


The Question

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: On and On [3]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Drama, F/M, Friendship, Future Fic, Gen, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 17:16:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9667775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: “I didn’t know how to be a partner, not like that.  I didn’t know how to be loved.  I wanted it desperately but every time I tried to give into the feelings it felt so…unsafe.”





	

Olivia added a second spoonful of honey to her chamomile tea and stirred it in. She sat alone in her therapist’s office, trying to relax on a couch that was probably one of the most comfortable she'd ever sat on. Victoria had excused herself about 5 minutes ago just as they were about to start their session. Olivia felt a bit of discomfort sitting in there alone; she'd never done that before. Vicki was always there when she walked in and there when she left. 

Dr. Victoria Page came highly recommended. She was a trauma specialist, had been for 15 years. The majority of her patients were veterans and law enforcement officers, and at least 70% of them were women. That hadn’t been her intent when she started her practice but that was the way it ended up. Liv had hit a wall with Dr. Lindstrom years before and stopped going to therapy. 

It wasn’t the best idea she ever had but what was the point of going if you weren't getting help? After the shooting, it was one of her nurses at New York Presbyterian who recommended Dr. Page. She'd seen her after two tours in Afghanistan. It took Liv a few more months, recovering and literally hitting the bottom, to finally make the phone call. The psychiatric nurse practitioner who worked in the office squeezed Liv in. 

Alice Kaufman had a second sense and she could hear it in Liv’s voice…this couldn’t wait. That was over a year ago. Liv didn’t kid herself, she had a long way to go. She didn’t intend to give up though; it was time to get all of this out. Sometimes it was unbearable but this office was a safe place. 

She raged, cried, mused, raged some more, and most importantly, Liv told the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. That hurt like hell. So much of her life had been a lie, or a series of omissions, and she couldn’t live like that anymore. And she hadn’t been since seeing Dr. Page.

“I'm sorry about the delay, Olivia.” Victoria walked into the office and closed the door. Before sitting down in her own chair, she pulled her locs back into a loose bun. “Don’t worry, you're going to get your full hour.”

“I wasn’t worried.” Liv smiled some. “Is everything alright?”

“Sadly, one of my patients passed away last week. I've been working with his partner to make sure his memorial is respectful while still being a celebration of his very interesting life. Details are in their final stages. How are you feeling, sorry to hear you were sick last Friday.”

“I'm just really glad it wasn’t the flu.” Liv sipped her tea. “I was down for the count on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. By Monday I'd come around some and was actually able to do a half-day at work on Tuesday. I would say I'm at about 85% right now. The rest of this week I'm going to spend my evenings with Noah, then meditate and go to bed. No need for anything extra, I need rest.”

“Look at you, resting.” Victoria smiled as she wrote something down in the file she picked up from the table. “How does that feel?”

“Not as good when you're sick, to be honest. But Ed stepped up and I was actually really able to just sleep and get better.”

“So two months in and things are still going well with Ed?”

“I'm not sure. Well I am but I'm not…I haven’t been this confused in a while.”

“Take a deep breath and tell me what you're thinking about.”

“He loves Noah so much.” Liv said. “I feel like such a jackass for not seeing that before and just sending him away.”

“Relationships end all the time.” Victoria said.

“I told him I needed to make my son the top priority and I sent away the closest thing he ever had to a father. I took Ed from him and thought I was never going to have to answer for it. I was still doing things just for me and I wasn’t putting Noah first. But Ed came back; he's making it up to Noah. He's a good father and I'm actually jealous. I know that sounds silly but I'm jealous that my son has the father that I never had. Was I trying to keep that from him?”

“Were you?”

“Not on purpose, I know that. I've had a lot of failed relationships but that doesn’t make me special. The thing is that most of the time I ended it because they wanted more than me. For a long time I thought something was wrong with me because I just wasn’t feeling things that I thought you would feel when you were a part of something good. With Ed I felt too much.” Liv sighed and sipped her tea. 

She had to push through the rock in the center of her chest. It was a brick in the wall that she needed to at least try to climb over today. “I was in love with him…and I had no idea how to be. I had no idea how to be loved, cared for, stopped sometimes, and disciplined in a healthy way. 

“I had no idea how to do anything in a healthy way. Ed wasn’t perfect but he was healthy. He recognized his flaws and worked on them. He recognized mine and loved me anyway. I hurt him very deeply and separated him from Noah.”

“You have to admit that it’s not often that an ex remains in the life of a child if the child isn't theirs.” Victoria said.

“And he never said anything, he just let me go. This isn't Ed’s fault though, I was a tsunami and about to barrel down on him. He knew that I was doing the wrong thing, even knew that I knew, but he walked away. He wasn’t going to hold on and drown too.”

“There was nothing to hold on to, if I'm hearing your right. You broke up with him. There are laws against him trying to stay when he's asked to go. But the last couple of months have been good.”

“We’re not in a relationship, Vicki. It’s a partnership for Noah’s benefit but it’s not a relationship. There are days when I question if it’s even a friendship. Not because Ed isn't cordial and kind but because I don't want to confuse things and make the wrong move.”

“You have a right to know, even if it’s just for your peace of mind. Clearly he wants to be a part of Noah’s life and you think that’s a good, healthy thing. But remember that Noah is also watching the interactions between the two of you…he learns from those as well. So you should know.”

“He deserves one good fuck off in my direction.” Liv said. “I'd even give him that. But Ed would never do it; it’s a violation of the rules.”

“You didn’t tell me there were rules.”

“Well, it’s a long story.”

“We have time.” Vicki looked at her watch.

“In the early days of our relationship I rejected him. I acted like an ass and when I went to ask for forgiveness we established six rules so we’d remain focused on what we wanted for our relationship and not some of the outside things that might trip us up again. Rule #5 was that during an argument we weren't allowed to call each other out of our names. Not that fuck off exactly qualifies but Ed Tucker is all about rules, especially ones he came up with himself.”

“No rules this time around?”

“We’re not in a relationship…we don’t need them.”

“You said that Ed stepped up while you were sick. What does that mean?”

“I almost fainted in front of Noah last Thursday. He got scared and called Ed. I could've called him back, told him not to come and that things were fine, but I didn’t. The truth is they weren't fine. I knew I was sick and I needed help. So he came over and once he found out my temperature was over 101 he sprang right into action. 

“He asked me what my sickness contingency plan was. I told him I didn’t have one. So he stayed. For almost five days he stayed and did mom and dad duty with Noah, took care of me, and slept on an air mattress. Not once did he complain or wasn’t there when we needed him. He's always been there when I needed him…except once.”

“When was the once?” Vicki asked.

“After I got shot.”

“You told me that he didn’t know about the shooting.”

“He didn’t. It happened long after we broke up and lost contact with each other. It’s crazy how many people I want to lose contact with and always run into at the most inconvenient times but that never happened with Ed. For the longest time I thought he retired and maybe moved back to Indiana; he talked about doing that sometimes. Then there he was in that Target, of all places. This has turned my life so upside down and I can hardly think.”

“Tell me three ways Ed’s coming back has turned your life upside down. Let's break it into pieces so it’s easier to digest.”

“It brings me face to face with what I did. I hurt him and it was for no reason. I thought I had a good reason at the time,” Liv sighed. “No, I didn’t have one then either and we both knew it but we read from the script and we ended it. Now I have to face what I did. I still have a lot of feelings for him.”

“Are you still in love with him?” Vicki asked. “Were you in love with him?”

“Yes, and yes. Before we started our intimate relationship I had known Ed for over a decade. He was, to put it politely, my nemesis. I watched him change, or maybe I changed though I don’t think I changed very much…our circumstances changed. And we kept being thrust together until it almost became comfortable working with him even when I wanted to strangle him. And then I didn’t want to strangle him, and then I was in love with him. Can I just be honest?”

“That’s what we’re here for.”

“I don’t think I've ever loved anyone before, not like that. With every other relationship I had there was another element there. It was a secret or a conflict of interest or toxic as hell but I couldn’t get out. Even my first love, the one my mother destroyed, he was five years older than me. At the time it was technically statutory rape even though we had sex just once. I put guys like him in prison. 

“But he wasn’t a monster, just a guy who loved a girl who needed protection. Ed was like that. He protected me, but wasn’t afraid to call out my bullshit. He walked into a relationship with a frazzled middle aged woman with a baby and didn’t bat an eyelash. He asked me, just once, to choose him and I couldn’t even do it.”

“Why?”

“Because I was scared to death!” Liv exclaimed. “I had to do what I knew how to do. I knew how to be a cop. I, mostly, knew how to be a mom. I knew how to be a hero. I didn’t know how to be a partner, not like that. I didn’t know how to be loved. I wanted it desperately but every time I tried to give into the feelings it felt so…unsafe.”

“Vulnerability felt unsafe?”

“Yes. I've stood up to serial rapists and child molesters, horrible human beings. You cannot show vulnerability, they will twist it and they will use it to kill you.”

“So are you comparing Ed with someone like William Lewis?” Vicki asked.

“No…maybe. No. He’s the only one, other than Fin, who's seen me through a flashback or a trigger. He loved me anyway, despite all the flaws and the damage and the harm. He loved my son.”

“He still loves your son.”

“Yes.” Liv nodded.

“So, that’s one thing. What are two others?”

“That’s only one thing?” Liv finished her tea. She wished it had been wine. Tonight was definitely going to be a night for a good glass of red with her whale music. “It definitely felt like more than one thing, Vicki.”

“Perhaps it’s the only thing and it’s so big that it feels like more than one thing.”

“Which is it?”

“You want me to answer that?” Vicki countered.

“Yes. I can't figure it out myself today, I'm cheating on this test.”

“Olivia, you feel, and your experience has shown you that you’ve never been loved. You’ve been needed, you’ve been desired, you’ve been useful, but never loved. And Ed, of all people this guy who was once your nemesis, kinda blew the lid off of that. How you reacted and what happened between you is perfectly normal considering where you came from. The difference is that often people don’t get second chances.”

“This isn't a second chance.” Liv shook her head. “I can't make this about me, Vicki. That’s what I did the first time and it ended horribly. This is about Noah. I never had a father, not just a biological father but no man in my life who put my safety, my sanity, and my feelings above everything else. Donald Cragen came close.” She bit back the tears threatening to fall. “I refuse to take that away from Noah in some psychiatric experiment.”

“So talking to Ed, really talking to him beyond the pleasantries is now a psychiatric experiment? Elaborate.”

“I can't.”

“You shouldn’t make statements like that without being able to. He's in your life again and isn't going anywhere if he plans to be a father to Noah. How long do you think you can not talk about it? Don’t let this send you backward…you’ve come too far. But it’s up to you.”

“That’s not fair.”

“Life ain’t fair, kiddo, but damned if we call the whole thing off.”

“Don’t call me kiddo.” Liv managed a smile. “I'm almost a decade older than you.”

“Yes ma'am.” Vicki smiled too.

“Cute. So I should talk to him?”

“Yes. If you need to start superficially, then that’s how you start. But the two of you can't have two separate relationships with your son. Somehow you’ve got to be a unit. That doesn’t mean that it'll ever be intimate again but a relationship has to be established. For two months you’ve let it crackle in the air above you. It’s time to pull it down and make sense of it.”

“What if he hates me?” Liv asked.

“That’s plausible. Does his behavior indicate such?”

“No. But that doesn’t mean it’s not true. I faked everything for years, sometimes I was really good at it. It’s only been two months.”

“Ask him, Olivia. Ask him if he hates you and let that be the beginning of the conversation.”

“It sounds so desperate.” She didn’t like that idea at all.

“Isn't it? Aren’t you? In this moment, aren’t you desperate? You're desperate for answers, for comfort, for having some idea what comes next. He threw a monkey wrench into your life. Not on purpose and likely without malice, but he still did. And that’s something you have a right to address.”

“The night I got sick, he told me that when he tells Noah certain things that Noah asks him to promise afterward. Ed said he told Noah that he doesn’t have to keep asking that because he's not going to break his promises. So Noah asked him to pinky swear about that. It was funny and sad at the same time, you know. But Ed said to me if I have to pinky swear him until he's 16 then I’ll do it. He loves Noah so much and that fills me with such joy, for them. But I don’t know where I fit into their relationship.”

“Ask.”

“Do you have anything else to say?” Liv asked.

“Ask tonight.”

“Fine, fine, I’ll ask tonight.”

“Are you just saying that to get me to shut up?”

“No. I hardly know how to start the conversation but I'm going to start it. Ed might not want to talk about it but that’s his right too. I made a promise when I started coming to see you that I would no longer stand still. It was unhealthy and I was scrapping the bottom. Right now I'm standing still with Ed. It’s all happened so quickly; I'm just now getting my bearings. But I’ll get them and move forward. Whatever the answer is doesn’t matter as much as starting the conversation.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“No.” Liv smirked. “But I'm sure that I can't let this situation freeze me in time either. If anything, I can't do that to Noah again. He's getting a loving parent out of this; I can lick my own wounds if the brutal honesty of it knocks me on my ass. I'm letting it be an obstacle and I can stop letting it as well…I think.”

***

“He's asleep.” Olivia said. She pulled Noah’s door up but didn’t close it and walked straight back to the kitchen. When she came home that evening, Ed and Noah were knee deep into their special time so they didn’t pay her much mind. She didn’t want to overdo it on a sensitive stomach so Liv had half a sandwich, some orange juice, and went to take a long shower. Now the day was officially over, she was in comfy clothes, and she eyed the pan of macaroni and cheese Ed made like a ravenous wolf.

“We made a bit of a mess in here tonight. I got some magazines from Caitlin and I thought a fun project would be to create some visual index cards. My friend Jude in my stitch and bitch group did it with her granddaughter who has autism and she said it works wonders as an addition to her speech therapy. Noah’s a lot better with his speaking but visual cues could help with his reading. I know a lot of speech therapists work with them.”

“There's nothing wrong with a good mess.” Liv said. She didn’t want to have too much but she put just a bit too much mac and cheese in her bowl. Regret could come in the morning. “Do you want a drink?”

“Nah, I'm just going to clean up and then get out of your hair. It’s been a pretty long week for both of us but I'm glad you're back on your feet. You do feel better right?”

“Not as good as I'm going to feel after eating this mac and cheese. Is there crab in this, Tucker? Are you really doing this to me?”

“It’s a heart attack in a bowl basically, but Noah loves it. I thought it would be OK to make for him once in a while. Especially since he was such a good kid while you were down with your illness. It’s probably healthier than the cookies he wants to stuff his face with…maybe.” He laughed a bit as he gathered up the remnants of magazine paper. He and Noah had made index cards for so many different things. Airplanes, clouds, skates; it had been a great project.

“Do you mind sticking around for a few extra minutes though?” Liv asked as she walked into the living room. She squeezed past Ed and sat on the small couch. “I want to talk to you about something.”

“Sure.” Ed sat down on the couch. “I hope this isn't about thanking me for helping when you were sick. I was glad to do it and I don’t need a lot of overtures. I didn’t do it for any praise.”

“It’s not about that but it’s a little difficult for me to just bring up so can you bear with me a moment.”

“Of course. Are you alright, Liv?”

“I'm OK.” She tried to smile but it didn’t quite make her eyes. “I've kept you long enough so I’ll get right to the point. This past two months Noah has been so incredibly happy to have you back in his life. As his mom that makes me happy as well. I realize that it’s important for you to move forward, as a person, and I respect that so much but I'm having a little difficulty figuring out how to be a better partner to you, with you, in this co-parenting thing. 

“And it’s because I don’t know what to say. I don’t want to piss you off because of something that may have happened in our past and I don’t want mixed signals or for either of us to say the wrong thing. I don't know,” Liv sighed. “When you're not sure what to say you just don’t say anything and that’s not good either. My therapist said that Noah’s relationship with us separately is important but to also remember he's getting a lot of relationship cues from us together, even if we’re not together, and we have to keep that as healthy as we can.”

“What do you need me to do?” Ed asked.

“Do you hate me?”

“Is that a serious question?” he didn’t mean to laugh because the look on her face, a combination of mortified and curious, was definitely serious. But it was the first thing Ed said when his lips opened.

“Yes, it’s a serious question.” She nodded.

“And you really want to talk about this?”

“We have to, Ed. We have to for us and for Noah. And you don’t have to make it pretty for me. Just be honest, like always.”

“I think I'm going to have that drink,” he stood up from the couch. “If you don’t mind.”

“I don’t.” Liv shook her head.

Ed went into the kitchen, grabbing a tumbler from the cabinet and the bottle of Woodford Reserve that Liv kept there for him. She kept his favorite bourbon around because he was there at least one evening a week, usually two lately, and always stopped by on weekends picking up and dropping off Noah. Taking a deep breath, he poured a healthy glass, and went back into the living room. It was time to be honest. She asked and Ed was going to answer. Liv didn’t want to be spared but he also wasn’t in the mood to give her any ammunition to flog herself with. He sat down on the couch again, sipping his bourbon, and then putting it on the coffee table.

“Here’s the easy part, I could never hate you. After you decided that our relationship wasn’t something that your life could handle at the time, I was hurt. I was very hurt but I respected you ending it. What the hell was I going to do about it? Life went on and I threw myself into work I didn’t really want to do just to have some purpose while I was falling through space. 

“That lasted for six months and then I retired and disappeared. I needed to heal, I needed to patch up my wounds, and I needed to figure out what was next. So I went home. I stayed with my dad for three months, mostly so he would finally get the hip surgery he needed but also because I needed to be away. I don’t feel comfortable talking about this, I don’t think that to move forward with each other as people we need to map out every moment of the last three years of our lives.”

“Are we going to be able to be friends?” Liv asked.

“I thought we were friends.”

“Am I the only one weirded out? This can't be just me.”

“Why not?” Ed held back his smile as he asked.

“Ed, I hurt you and it’s OK to hate me and it’s OK to say so.”

“Here’s what I want to say…don’t project. Whatever you're feeling, those are your feelings, Liv. Work them out with your doctor, work them out with yourself. You can work them out with me, I'm not opposed to talking to you, but don’t project them onto me. I put a lot of things behind me. A lot of anger, resentment, regret, hurt; you name it. And now I have a second chance to be a positive force in Noah’s life. That’s the most important thing to me.”

“But that means you're in my life too.” She said.

“You don’t see me running away screaming, do you?”

“Tucker…”

“Stop.” He reached out and put his hand on top of hers. Ed didn’t touch Liv a lot and there were plenty of reasons for that. The most important reason was he was still in love with her and never wanted to do anything that made things awkward. But from this line of questioning he could see that they already were for at least one of them. “You want to make up six new rules?”

“Would that be crazy?”

“Not if it helps to ease tension in our arrangement.” Ed replied. “Can I just say that we’re friends? Arrangement sounds a bit illicit and that’s not what we’re doing. You can feel free to disagree but that’s how I see it. We’re friends who look out for one another and are raising a child together. It’s not easy but it’s something we both want. Right?”

“I want you to be happy.” Liv said.

“I am happy.”

“And you don’t hate me?”

“Jesus Christ Liv, I love you, OK. Stop with the hate, I could never and would never. You mean a lot to me and it’s my issue to work out what a lot means but I'm here for you and Noah in whatever capacity you need me as a friend.”

“Do you want to have dinner next week?” she asked. “We can just talk, like friends talk. I don’t know how to be your friend again but I want to. I just don’t ever want to hurt you again; you don’t deserve that. You didn’t deserve it then.”

“How does Thursday sound?”

“It sounds good.”

“And then I can talk to you about the trip I want to take Noah on for Memorial Day weekend.” Ed drank his bourbon. It was almost time to go, his head was suddenly pounding. “My dad thought it might be fun to have him over because he feels that Noah needs to learn to fish appropriately, hike, and have fresh air.”

“You would take him to Indiana?”

“For the holiday weekend. We can fly out on Friday evening and come back Monday afternoon. I’ll schedule a flight that gets us back in the city by 6. I know he has school the next day and I don’t want to mess that up.”

“He hasn’t been on a plane since Paris.” Liv choked out the last word. She definitely wasn’t going to talk about Paris tonight.

“I thought he did pretty well then. We’ll talk about it though, we don’t have to do it tonight. I probably really should get going. It’s been a long day and I've got some things on my schedule tomorrow that can’t be reshuffled. So,” he stood from the couch, finishing most of his drink as he walked back to the kitchen. “Is that good?”

“Um, yeah.” She nodded.

“Are you sure?”

“This week you’ve gone above and beyond for us. Go home and don’t think about us for the next couple of days. We’ll see you on the weekend.”

“Noah can call me tomorrow if he wants. I’ll pick him up on Sunday.”

“Any plans?” Liv asked.

“Lunch of course and then I’ll let him tire himself out running around the city. There are some great free things going on; I'm sure we’ll stumble onto something.”

“Does he ever tire you out?” Liv watched him walk back into the living room. He threw some things in his backpack before slipping one of the straps onto his shoulder. She always thought Ed looked kinda goofy with a sky blue Jansport bag but she was pretty sure not a soul gave him shit about it.

“Are you kidding me? I'm going home to run a tub full of hot water and Epsom salt right now. I light candles all around and play Linda Ronstadt on vinyl.”

“Do you really do that or are you making fun of my relaxation rituals?”

“I really do that. You can teach an old dog some new tricks, Benson. It’s an old cliché but still true. I’ll see you on Sunday.”

“Goodnight. Hey, Tucker.”

“Yeah?” he was at the door, hand on the knob, but he let go and backed up a few steps.

“I love you too.”

“I know.”

“Whatever, Han Solo; goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

He smiled and walked out of the apartment. Liv went over to double lock the door. Then she took her mac and cheese in the kitchen to warm it up. She’d barely eaten it during their conversation. It hadn’t gone like she thought it would. There was still a lot in the air, still a lot she didn’t know. 

But Ed was right, she had to stop projecting. Liv would deal with her feelings but she couldn’t create feelings for Ed, positive or negative. He told her that they were friends…he told her that he loved her. Liv didn’t even want to think quite what that meant. What had her response meant? She knew what her response meant but didn’t want to think about what it meant. 

Noah first, Noah always had to come first in their partnership. Maybe she would write down a few rules tonight, discuss it with him when they had dinner on Thursday. She could do friends, maybe that’s what she and Ed deserved. They could really get to know each other again; Liv wasn’t the same person she was three years ago. They could start a new dialogue and create a new space that was good for the two of them and great for Noah. It was never going to be what it once was. 

Liv thought that might be a good thing. They could be partners and raise a wonderful kid. They could be friends and not have to fear breakups and heartaches. She was glad she asked him tonight even if the answers she thought she'd get never came. That had always been the beauty of her thing with Ed, nothing ever went as expected. This time was going to be different in so many ways but Liv wasn’t opposed to a few things staying the same. She had learned some new tricks in their time apart as well.

***


End file.
